So I was thinking last night about the different people who came to my house for Trick or Treat. It was the usual smattering of kids dressed up as zombie athletes, Toy Story characters, Princesses and Lady Bugs. Some were so cute, I wanted to take a picture of them, and then I realized how creepy **I** would be for asking a couple of kids if I could take their picture. So I just told them their costumes were super cute and gave them a few extra pieces of candy.
Here’s where my perplexity kicks in. I have 2 categories of Trick or Treaters that I just don’t think deserve my candy and shouldn’t be at my door.
There were several parents who came with their INFANT child. Infant. Not toddler. Like in the 2-3 month age range. Not the “I dressed up my baby to go Trick or Treating with older sibling” type of thing. This is a parent, dressing up themselves, dressing up the baby that was born last Thursday, and going around with their pumpkin bucket or pillowcase in some cases, asking me to give candy to their precious newborn.
Now, this didn’t happen just once or twice. This scenario happened AT LEAST 4 times. Maybe there was an older sibling home sick. Maybe there were brothers and/or sisters at another house and hadn’t caught up with Mom or Dad holding little precious Minnie Mouse who might be flying around the neighborhood to get as much candy as she could while leaving the other kids in the dust.
As I opened the door to this scenario, seeing a baby so young she couldn’t even hold her own bottle or take a spoonful of rice cereal, I would look cautiously through my bowl for a piece of candy that would be appropriate for the little darling as she slept through all my cool decorations and flashing lights. “Hmmmm, I don’t seem to have anything age appropriate in here. Guess I should’ve grabbed a bag of Saf-T-Pops.” I said with a smile and laugh, not really sure what I’m supposed to do here. “Oh, she loves those Reese’s Peanut butter cups and Snickers” said the mom. I’m thinking really quickly, how do I respond to this? So I grab a Reese’s and a Snickers and hand them to Mom and say “I hope you enjoy this.” with a slight smile and just a hint of sarcasm. “Oh you know I will!” and off she goes.
Ok, so was the baby a prop? Was she even her baby? Did she borrow someone else’s baby just to get some candy? I start wondering if I should look around for someone saying a lady in a witch costume swooped in and took her newborn Minnie Mouse to score some extra candy.
Then we have the opposite case; the full on adult, going trick or treating for themselves. Seriously. I had a guy show up with tattoos, beard scruff, no costume and a pillow case. “Hey” he says. “Oh, hello.” I nervously respond. He holds out the pillow case and says, “You got the good candy” “Yes, um, I went to Sam’s Club, um, cuz I can get bigger bags that way.” I stammered. “Can you make sure I get one of each kind?” he asked. “Oh sure. Of course. Here ya go” as I’m trying to root through my bowl, making sure he truly gets one of each kind, wondering where Michael is in case I need him, hoping he isn’t casing my house as I’m looking into the bowl for each type of candy bar, wondering if my gun is still loaded from the last time I loaded it, trying to act like I’m not nervous AT ALL, this is all so totally normal and guys who look like they just got out of SingSing yesterday and now standing on my front porch asking for candy is sooooo something that happens every day that why would I even think twice about this being weird. Wondering if it would be ok if I just dumped my whole bowl of candy into his pillowcase and turned out the lights and just ended it. Yes, all of that went through my head in about 15 seconds. I hand him the candy and he thanked me and told me I have a nice house. “Thanks, have a good night and stay safe.” I said to him. He smiled and left. I closed the door and waited for Dorothy and the Tin Man to come up and ring them bell. Ya know, normal aged 4th grader-ish kids with Mom and Dad standing at the end of my driveway.
So how about this? If your child can’t eat the candy because they were born hours ago, or if your old enough to have just been released from prison, please skip my house next year. I love Halloween. I have some of my favorite memories as a child from Halloween. But let’s keep it for the kids. If you’re an adult, go buy your own candy, it’s all on sale for cheap today.